Q&A: Vow Renewal Etiquette?
Question by Brownie: Vow Renewal Etiquette?
My husband recently suggested that we write new vows for each other every year on our anniversary (we wrote our own vows for our wedding) and that we do something special in private to commemorate the new vows. I think its a very sweet idea.
I mentioned this to my mother in law (we are very close), and she told me about my sister in law’s vow renewal. My SIL eloped, and my ILs found out through a newspaper article that their own daughter had gotten married. Needless to say, they were very hurt. Well a few years later, she had a “vow renewal.” She basically broke every etiquette rule on vow renewals and had a wedding. The ILs openly called it a “sham.” Also, my cousin had a courthouse wedding at 18. Two years later, she is planning “the wedding she never got.” She is not even bothering to call it a vow renewal anymore.
My husband and I really like the idea of saying new vows to each other in private every year as our vow renewal, but part of me feels like its been cheapened?
I think a vow renewal should be about the VOWS, not about a second chance at a wedding. I read an etiquette rule while researching my husband’s idea, and it said something to the effect of that weddings are the “big” affairs, and that vow renewals are meant to be simple and sentimental. I agree, but I feel like the people who want a second wedding, for whatever reason, are cheapening the idea of it in general.
Best answer:
Answer by Jonny B
Your private renewal is touching and loving.
What they are doing is in no way related to what you are doing.
I wouldn’t even bother to attend the other “renewals”.
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!
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10 de March, 2011 at 8:04 pm
If it is special to you and your husband and feels right for you, then go ahead and do it.
It only means as much as how much feeling is behind it – I’m not sure if that made sense but basically what i’m trying to say is that if you and your husband love each other a great deal (which it sounds like you do!) then that is what will come through in the vows, and there is NOTHING cheap about that.
I think it is a beautiful idea, disregard what your other family members have done, and do it for you and your husband – no one else.
10 de March, 2011 at 8:40 pm
I never thought I would read a question like yours on here! I think we anti-fake-wedding people are more and more in the minority on this topic. I have often wondered if the wedding-we-never-had trend cheapens REAL weddings or somehow makes it less special. After all, if anyone can put on a wedding, how does that make the weddings where the people are actually getting married, special?
The answer is, intent. Clearly your intent to renew vows in private every anniversary is a sort of reflection and appreciation time in your marriage. And its an awesome idea! Whereas the intent of your SIL was to recapture a moment thats long gone. It had nothing to do with marriage and commitment, and everything to do with “being a bride”.
This is a horrible trend. But a lot of people on this board are in favor of it. Good for your in-laws for telling it like it is!
10 de March, 2011 at 9:34 pm
It has not been cheapened at all, and is still very sweet and wonderful. If this is you and your hubbys tradition then by all means, continue to do this. It is very touching and a wonderful idea.
I am not sure however why this bothers you? This is not to be offensive in any way to you, so I appologize if this is going to come out wrong in writing. Do you feel you are better than these other girls because they for whatever reason had elopments or courthouse weddings and now are trying to have a “wedding” more like yours? It is also interesting that you note how close you are with your MIL, but it is apparent that they are not close with their own daughter. Does this make you feel like you are better than her? I am just trying to understand why this bothers you, and why your tradition with your hubby feels cheapened by what other people do or dont do. Again, I am sorry if this sounds harsh, it is hard in cases like this to write something but sound like you are not attacking someone.
I say, dont worry about what other are doing. It is a wonderful and sweet thing that you and your hubby do to renew your promises every year. I say keep doing this any way you wish and that makes the both of you happy.
10 de March, 2011 at 10:23 pm
Oh, I totally agree with you! I just don’t understand where people got the ‘another wedding’ ideas from…. they are married, their wedding was what it was, regardless of the circumstances.
10 de March, 2011 at 10:58 pm
I agree with you, and think what you do is very sweet. I am not a fan of all the wedding “do overs” either