Q&A: The best way to explain why your not going to a “friends” wedding?
Question by Fopaw: The best way to explain why your not going to a “friends” wedding?
Someone who I don’t consider myself close to anymore will be getting married soon. I hadn’t heard from them during the most trying and important time in my life as they weren’t there for me. This past year when they tried to reestablish contact they did it in such a way that made it seem all about them. It’s been basically a relationship based on assuming the incorrect and up to this point she assumes things are resolved (we live in two different states and have not been able to communicate in person; only via email which didn’t allow for alot of frankness…and frankly I don’t resolve things this way)
Initially the issue was she felt I cut her off. But it was more that I relegated the relationship because I was not getting what I needed. After this I told her I don’t want to hear from her via email & to not communicate with me anymore.
She has several times continued to contact me. But I don’t respond as I told her it would be in person. So one of the last replies was “ok so I’ll see you at my wedding” basically.
But I don’t plan to go…
My only concern right now is how to diplomatically tell her I have more important things going on without being mean about it. Because I don’t have a problem telling her exactly why. As I feel I would not invite her to my wedding if I was getting married. Since it would be the most important day in my life. But if someone wasn’t there for me during other important times. Good or bad…then why would I expect it of them?
Is that unreasonable? Is there a better way or view to look at this? A better approach? Should I even bother concerning myself with saying something so openly with her?
I don’t see myself having any regrets for not going. And I’m not trying to make a big statement about it. Because if others were to ask me why I wasn’t there (we have a circle of similar friends) I would not go into all this. I would just say I couldn’t make it. And I honestly have other priorities this year.
I want to express appreciation for the frank & candid replies. Of course time and space doesn’t allow for all the details of a “petty” or “selfish” response to a situation or why it would seem so. And there is always two sides to a story. I was trying to give some detail to a relationship that is no longer close. Has not been for at least 3 years.
I have no desire to make a point and hold a grudge. I hope to someday deal with the person in person.
And this person is unfortunately lacking in communication skills which has made it necessary to avoid avenues of communication via telephone & email. I have seen this myself and have known her to hang up on people if she doesn’t like what she hears or ends the conversation abruptly. As even her family members have advised not doing email because of their own experience with her. And this was even from a family member who was close to her.
That was the whole point of some background to why I do not wish to go. And why I feel no obligation.
But thank you for all your replies this will help me come to a decision on how I will handle the situation.
Best answer:
Answer by AntDU
If you do not not go, consider the relationship – anything that is left – done. You 2 will no longer be friends.
You need to do soul searching and decide…
A – Are you proving a point by not going?
B – Do you want to end the friendship?
If A, you will regret it. If B, then there is no need to waste your time and money.
A wedding is a couples special day. They invite their closest friends and family to enjoy it with them. Its a time of new beginnings and it is and SHOULD REMAIN 100% about them. Everybody should wish them well and hope for their eternal happiness. If you cannot do this, then that is your issue and you will act accordingly.
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!
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14 de February, 2011 at 3:01 am
I don’t think that you should hold this person’s wedding hostage over her perceived failure to “be there” for you.
It sounds to me like you are quite selfish. First, you claim she wasn’t there for you. What does that mean? She was living her own life? Dealing with her own problems? Couldn’t deal with yours? Perhaps she did in her own way – maybe she thought of you, prayed for you, figured she lived too far away to help, helped someone else NOT get into what ever your problem was. There are many ways to be a friend. You may not agree with all of them. They may not meet your qualifications. That is your decsion.
Second, it does sound like she’s tried to keep in touch, but again that didn’t meet your qualifications either, as you will only consider “in person” as a way to discuss things, and by your own admission, this isn’t likely as you live in two different states.
Third, you state that when she did get in touch with you, she made it all about her. Hmm. Isn’t that what you’re doing here, about HER wedding invitation? Making it all about YOU? Maybe she sees her wedding as an opportunity to see you in person and mend fences.
All in all, no one is the perfect friend. You’re not a perfect friend. She’s not a perfect friend. You have two choices, accept the imperfections of each other or move on. However, if you do chose to move on, do it with some grace and class – you do not need to have a confrontation, you do not need to explain – no matter how much you’d like to tell her off about her perceived shortcomings. You just need to decline the invitation to her wedding. Just a simple “no thank you” and leave it at that.
14 de February, 2011 at 3:24 am
Simple, respect yourself and your own value, just say “I won’t be able to make it” and smile. What you must know is people will use you until you lay in your grave while they laugh and go on, stop being the nice person people use as filler, it’s a new year, let’s go!
14 de February, 2011 at 3:56 am
This made me dizzy. If you’re trying to break off a friendship with this person, why don’t you just do it? There’s so much back and forth here I can’t figure out if you want to be friends or not. If not, then don’t keep her hanging, because it makes you look manipulative (which you are in this case, by using her wedding to get a message across). Just tell her honestly that you think the two of you have grown apart. And if you want to continue the friendship, go to the wedding.
14 de February, 2011 at 4:14 am
If you don’t want to go, don’t go. When you get an invite send them a reply saying NOT ATTENDING. You don’t really owe anyone any explanation. If she asks for one, tell her you have other important things to take care of.
14 de February, 2011 at 5:11 am
Unless it is something like the only state between you and your friend is Rhode Island, people really don’t expect you to travel to a wedding. It’s nice, but also expected if the guest sends their regrets. So, when you receive the invite, simply RSVP for no.
On a larger issue, you are the one who is coming across as being petty and selfish. From what you wrote, you are the one who is carrying a grudge and doing so boldly. As you stated, it is unlikely for you and your friend to see each other in the near future because of the physical distance between the two of you. It is your way or the highway how this is resolved. Yeah…and since when was the telephone broken that you couldn’t pick up the damn phone and have an actual conversation with her?
BTW, there is no diplomatic way to tell someone “I have more important things going on in my life than your wedding.” Simply RSVP that you cannot attend when you receive the invite.
I am glad I do not have a friend like you.
14 de February, 2011 at 5:22 am
I guess I don’t really understand why you have to tell her anything. If and when she invites you just check “regrets I cannot attend” and leave it at that.
The rest of the relationship drama doesn’t mean anything. If you don’t want to go – don’t go. You don’t have to explain why you can’t go, just tell her that she doesn’t need to order a meal for you and be done with it.