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12 Comments to “Q&A: Mother in law and wedding planning.?”

1. abc Says:
   5 de June, 2011 at 12:16 pm

   it’s not whether they give you money or not that matters; give her a project, tell her to come up with a few ideas for that one project you give her…..then you can pick one of them……and it will give her something to do…..you have a long year ahead of you and longer years after you are married….good luck!

2. Galaxie Girl Says:
   5 de June, 2011 at 12:53 pm

   Your fiance should be standing up to her, not you. This is his mother. Not to sound mean, but is he a mama’s boy, afraid to let her down or make her mad? If so, run!!! She’ll be controlling you for the rest of your life, or until you become his next “ex.”

3. Girl Says:
   5 de June, 2011 at 1:30 pm

   Simple. Ask her advice on plenty of things, but also let it be known that one you do not hate her and two that even if you ask her opinion, it is just that and the final desicion lies with you and her son. So if you don’t use a suggestion of hers, it’s not that you don’t like her but that you and him found a way that both of you feel works best.
   MIL can be very difficult to work with, but in the end this is for you and your man, not her, and she can be a supportive mom for her son and be happy that he is happy, or she can be upset about the whole thing and risk the anger and hurt it will cause her son.

4. litlbits22 Says:
   5 de June, 2011 at 2:02 pm

   I would simply state, that is is my wedding and my parents are paying the bill. SO when i ask for your input ill get it. Back off and let me plan my wedding. Tell her it wont hurt your feelings if she doesnt come. But how will that make her son feel, and that if she loves her son she will come!

   I am more of a person who has a loud mouth…that can get in the way…so i dont think my advise will help you much! But that is how i would do it!!

5. Peace Says:
   5 de June, 2011 at 2:10 pm

   Who cares if she didn’t give you any money. She’s going to become a part of your family and she wants to be involved. She has has much to do with it as your mother ( I believe mothers should be guests and not be a part of wedding stress. The bride and groom should do the planning). You barely started your planning. So what’s the big deal? There’s not much she can do in another country so get organized, start planning and just give her updates. She’s a grown woman. She doesn’t need to be “put in her place”.

6. melouofs Says:
   5 de June, 2011 at 2:20 pm

   Regardless of the money or tradition, can’t you involve her in something? Who cares what tradition says–this woman is to be your family for the rest of your life, and she is the mother of the man you love. My MIL went with me to try on dresses, and I think she really appreciated being involved in the planning.

   If she is out of hand, I’d just tell her that’s not the way it’s done in this country.

7. Mama of 3 Says:
   5 de June, 2011 at 2:30 pm

   It sounds like you are off to a good start by trying to include your MIL as much as possible in your big day. She must feel flattered that you have consulted her on these important decisions. Just try to remember that it is your big day, not hers. She had the chance to plan her own wedding day some 30 years ago, no? Then why does she feel the need to insert herself into every decision and insist on things being done her way? That seems a bit inappropriate to me. She is probably testing the limits and wants to gain as much control as possible and unfortunately if you do not set limits you may regret it later as you’ll have a harder time standing up to her. You and your fianceé should remain quite neutral, trying not to offend her but at the same time when a decision comes up that you both feel strongly about then make your own decision without her input and stand your ground. If it comes to confrontation, be kind, polite but honest “speaking the truth in love” and she will see that although you respect her and want to develop a positive relationship from the outset, that she is overstepping your boundaries and offending you. There is a nice way to say that you’ve already made the decision and this is what you’ve decided and that if you need her help on other decisions you’ll definitely let her know. It is best to avoid major conflict if at all possible on the non-essentials maybe ask her to help you coordinate flower colors or table settings by telling her you love the color burgundy (or whatever your favorite color is) and which would she choose, roses or lilies for example. By giving her a decision between two choices you already have picked she will feel included but you will reserve a great deal of the decision making power for you and your fiance. Then if she says lillies and you thought roses. Incorporate lots of roses with a lily or two-do both and it will keep the peace, but you will still get “your way”. What I’m saying is that if you decide to allow her complete freedom in planning your wedding you may feel resentment towards her because it will not turn out the way you want. If you can politely stand your ground, making your own decisions and perhaps just offer her one or two “token” input opportunities to make her feel a part of things you will help to forge a loving bond with her without hurting her feelings or making her feel left out. See what I mean? However if she calls you and kind of bulldozes you insisting that things be done her way I don’t think it is at all out of line to “put her in her place” by gently stating that you have already decided this or that and leave it. I wouldn’t engage in a conversation with my MIL in which I was acused of “hating her”-I would have responded with “I have given you no reason to feel that way”. I want nothing more than to develop a good relationship with you. We were just caught up with the planning and we honestly didn’t remember to call. Please forgive the oversight, but I certainly don’t “hate you”, why in the world would you think that? That should dispell any other intentionally manipulative ploys of hers to gain control over plans, and also re-establish that you intend to keep the relationship a positive, respectful one. If she chooses otherwise, then it obviously wasn’t your problem in the first place.

8. spadezgurl22 Says:
   5 de June, 2011 at 2:58 pm

   well if ur parents are footing the bill than she can just deal with it. i dont htink she needs ot be constantly chiming in with her requests yet not paying anything. just pass the phone off to ur fiance and let her berate him. u got planning to do! lol!

9. Gracielacey Says:
   5 de June, 2011 at 3:54 pm

   My suggestion would be to assign her one thing that can be solely her responsibility…something that will make her feel included, but yet won’t necessarily put her in line to know more than you want her to. Something that she has a bit of leaway to make decisions on, within the scope of your wedding.
   Maybe suggest that she plan the rehearsal dinner..but get specific on the customs in the U.S. and what she needs to do and consider as far as your wishes…and then let it go from there. Let it be “her thing” she does…The rehearsal dinner is a great one because usually the grooms parents arrange/pay for it anyways, and it will make her feel like she is included.

   As for her comments – I would just ignore them. People that say things like “I know you hate me” either have very low self esteem or are just drama queens..that is why I think assigning her one thing that she is responsible for will work.

10. datgrluluv Says:
    5 de June, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    I think you really should have your fiance step in on this one.It’s his mother and he should know the way she is. But because she’s a drama queen she’ll probably make it out that everyone’s ganging up on her.So hang in there because no matter what happens she’ll probably try to make it about her. Just remember your marrying him and that your wedding is a reflection of your love for each other.

11. valschmal Says:
    5 de June, 2011 at 4:34 pm

    Well, usually I recommend that the fiance take over when the mil is being pushy, b/c it is his mom! If you feel comfortable being there for the conversation, that’s fine, but I find it usually works better just coming from him; that way she knows that you did not put him up to it or that what he is saying is just your idea.

    He needs to tell her that unfortunately here in Canada as well as in America, most mog’s are just not quite as involved in the wedding planning process. You guys both love and respect her & wanted her to be more involved, but that you are both very stressed right now, most of the planning is done, and you are letting both sets of parents know that from here on out you just want to “coast” til the wedding. She still gets to plan and run the rehearsal dinner, of course.

    Before he meets with her, you guys come up with a list of small, very detailed things to have her do to keep her busy until the wedding. Even if they are really just silly little things that you don’t really need done! Although here are a few things she can do that actually may help:
    1. Rehearsal dinner (place, food, invites, decor, etc)
    2. Once invites are sent, any RSVP’s that haven’t come from her side of the family, have her call them & ask if they’re coming or not.
    3. Have the groom sit with both his parents and make a detailed list for the photographer of pictures with various family members on their side that they want taken.
    4. Make sure all details concerning her dress, shoes, & jewelry are taken care of.
    5. Put her in charge of getting all men on their side of the family measured and paid for tuxedos.
    6. Put her in charge of helping any female family members on their side the correct attire for the wedding.
    7. Put her in charge of snacks & an emergency kit for the men in the wedding party for the ceremony day.

    You may think of other things, but the bottom line is, the more she has to do the happier she’ll be. And you may actually find that these tasks keep the stress off of you. However, you don’t want her bugging you about them or reporting to you about her progress all the time, so have her report to your fiance instead!

12. Kat G Says:
    5 de June, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    I do not understand what your mother in law relationship with your fiancee ex has to do with you? I would keep the peace for your husband and future relationship with her and include her in something as far as the wedding goes. Your mom doesn’t need to add any gas to this fire by having you tell her to “shut up and mind your own business.” If you marry him you will be dealing with his family for a long time to come so I would not be rude. Why not show her what you picked out and how things are done where you live. Also maybe you could take her to lunch and have a day at the spa with her. I am sure it would mean a lot to your fiancee. Would you want him to be nasty towards your father?

    My advice his family he deals with them, your family you deal with them. As far as the rehearsal dinner yes it’s the grooms family who sometimes pays. As for my wedding my husband and I paid for it ALL. The wedding, the rehearsal dinner and so on. My parents & his parents just gave a wedding gift and paid for zero. I would not look for people to pay as if your responsable enough to get married you should be responsible enough to pay for it. It’s kind of tacky to ask her to pay when you don’t want her involved.

    Congrats on the Wedding and good luck .

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