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20 Comments to “Q&A: “do-over wedding” vow renewals – is there any instance you are OK with it?”

1. Designer~Wife Says:
   4 de March, 2011 at 2:12 am

   As long as they don’t expect a ton of gifts for their vow renewal (this is for those that have already had a wedding with reception, gifts etc), then I don’t see the problem. If they want to throw a big bash and renew their vows, it’s their dime & their prerogative….I’d be happy to celebrate with them.

2. pontipy Says:
   4 de March, 2011 at 2:52 am

   imo, a do-over wedding would be ok if the husband and wife’s families lived distantly away from each other. Let each family get to hear the vows and such.

3. Christy V Says:
   4 de March, 2011 at 3:19 am

   Personally I think its adorable when a couple have been married 30 years or 20 years and they want to have a vow renewal event. I mean, its up to the couple. Who cares if anyone else thinks its tacky, just fir the presents, bla bla bla… if they want to do it and are in a financial position to have a big party for themselves in celebration of their everlasting love for one another, then do it!

   If we always worried about what everyone else has to say about every little thing we’d never do anything.

4. singlemomma Says:
   4 de March, 2011 at 3:46 am

   I think if you have a destination wedding and have the actual reception later with people who couldnt afford to go away that is okay.

   Im really against couples who do a JOP wedding just for like insurance purposes and then a year or two want a full blown out affair. I think a wedding should be treated like any other major life changing event. I had my child as a teen and i don’t get to go back and do a do-over on that and i feel most of the times wedding should be viewed the same

5. Beth Says:
   4 de March, 2011 at 4:07 am

   I don’t have a problem with them period. I mean I think it’s a little weird when people have an actual wedding then a few years later have another. I’m not bothered though if a couple can’t afford a wedding that they want and get married at JOP then have a big vow renewal. I don’t think they are doing it just for gifts. A wedding, with the dress and all the frills is a big deal to some people and if they didn’t have it for whatever reason it can I guess start to bother them.

   Not everyone agrees with me though. I understand that. I think an illness could be a valid reason as well. If they’re planning and the bride or groom gets sick and they marry at the JOP because the other spouse has better insurance and they wanted to hurry and get on it etc.

6. Perse Says:
   4 de March, 2011 at 4:36 am

   I’m okay with vow renewals in the event it is a true vow renewal and not a wedding re-do. Wedding re-dos are never okay. The wedding day is about getting married and once you have done that there is no point in bringing out all the flowers and bridesmaids, because the wedding is done. This applies to people in the military as well. They often are presented with the choice to marry quickly for whatever benefits, or to marry later as they planned. They have a choice to make and they can’t have it both ways, it’s wedding now or wedding later. Life is about choices, you can’t always have your cake and eat it too. They then have to live with whatever choice they make. No one forces them to marry before they can plan the wedding they would have liked, and no one forces them to go to the courthouse, that is their choice.

7. Messykatt Says:
   4 de March, 2011 at 5:24 am

   I think you complicated your question by calling it a vow renewal I can’t imagine anyone being against vow renewals.

   Anyway, I am 100 percent with Perse. Even with a deployment, there’s still a choice involved (not to mention the separate issue of whether it’s smart to rush into a marriage because of this). You get one chance to pledge your life to another and merge two people into a lifetime commitment. If it’s at a courthouse, this (plus any after-event) *is* the wedding. That’s tradition, that’s culture, and that’s etiquette.

   PS – Also, as sort of a general comment, it seems like every day something new happens to cheapen the significance of weddings, while at the same time making a bigger deal about the surrounding parties and events. I see this as yet one more step in that direction. It’s all supposed to MEAN something.

8. Carol G Says:
   4 de March, 2011 at 5:44 am

   My husband and I were married 5 years ago. He has now decided to convert to Judism. We will be married again..Jewishly this time. If I had the moneya nd time I would ahve done a full invite everyone wedding. As it is we will have at the ceremony at our synagogue and invitations will go out to all of my employees (about 100) and my family and the reception will be a nice spread of finger food.

   We are married according to law, but it does not count jewishly. Our marriage is not recognised by my synagogue at home in NY or here in Maine. When he finishes the conversion we will ahve thejewish ceremony.

   My cousin had here entire wedding planned and then her finance became ill. They were married quickly and when he recovered they had the wedding that had been planned before the illness.

9. fizzy stuff Says:
   4 de March, 2011 at 5:47 am

   Life hands you unexpected events. If you are in the process of planning a wedding and one person becomes very ill or is deployed, those would be reasons that someone would want to move their wedding date up and I cannot fault that because I dont know what I would do in that situation. Especially if there were kids to be taken care of and one of the spouses is deployed to a dangerous zone. If a spouse is ill, I could see marrying quickly, lest that spouse pass away never having married at all.

   If one of these was the situation, I think the appropriate thing to do is either a vow renewal or a celebration party later. Call it what you want, but theres no fluffy white dress and ring bearer. It is not a do-over, it is a tasteful party to celebrate your marriage and thank the family and friends who have supported you. I can honestly say I would not be able to put on a wedding dress and pretend to get married, I would feel like a fool.

   So to answer your question, a do-over is never appropriate. However, a party or tasteful vow renewal would be perfectly fine and fitting.

10. melouofs Says:
    4 de March, 2011 at 6:24 am

    No, I don’t really think there is any exception I can think of now.

    Anyone at all can have a wonderful anniversary party, as formal as they wish, without calling it a “wedding” or a “redo”. If someone is called to the military and they really find it necessary to marry immediately, have the wedding with family and when the guy returns, have a big party to celebrate that or plan for a big anniversary party, including vow renewal at your next anniversary. There isn’t a reason to pretend its a wedding when it simply isn’t. A married person can’t get married again, even if its to the same person. They can simply restate their original vows.

    There’s nothing barring the couple from dancing together, or having a toast or having a special cake or anytihng, but calling it a wedding is just dumb.

11. Twins on board... Says:
    4 de March, 2011 at 7:23 am

    I am all for a couple renewing their vows after a long (15+ years) marriage as a celebration and reconfirmation of their love and devotion to each other but the recent raise in popularity for the “real wedding” after getting married baffles me. So many people find it acceptable to run off to city hall and get hitched and then a year later they want a “real ceremony”, so they plan this huge wedding. You had the choice on how to handle your wedding and instead of waiting and saving for the wedding of your dreams you choose to have a courthouse (etc) ceremony. You don’t get a re-do because you came to your sense and realized you wanted the big to-do, the moment is gone and the deed is done. I don’t know how I feel about the military weddings, whereas it seems the majority are younger couples who hear the word deployment and jump the gun when they weren’t even planning on getting married in the first place. I agree if they were already planning a wedding and the deployment would affect the planning then I could understand wanting to take care of it before he leaves but I find that is not usually the case.

12. Blunt Says:
    4 de March, 2011 at 8:17 am

    Military.

    I couple that I know, they got engaged and planned a wedding in Florida, but the military would not approve their leave due to trainings and military necesity; he got orders to go elsewhere and unless married, she would not be able to go with him (she is also military and they have 2 children together). So their only optton was to go to the Public Notary and have a 3 minute ceremony with the clothes they were wearing that day (jeans). I would definetly support the idea of a wedding after such circumstances.

    Good luck

13. Libby Says:
    4 de March, 2011 at 8:51 am

    I think true do-over weddings are okay ONLY when something majority bad happened to the first wedding… ie, a tornado hit the day of the wedding and everyone had to be evacuated. Or the bride or groom got hurt on the way to the wedding or AT the wedding and had to be rushed to the hospital.

    I personally don’t have a problem with a “paperwork now, wedding later” type of marriage, what with things like military deployments and health insurance issues that really impact people’s lives and are beyond the individual’s control. HOWEVER, if a couple does this, they should not be public about it. They should file the paperwork privately, with no “reception” or celebration with guests of any kind afterward, and they should tell no one except their employer and perhaps the closest of relations. I don’t agree with having a “mini wedding” now and a “big wedding” later.

    There is one other exception I see no problem with… bi-cultural weddings. For example, if an Indian woman is marrying an American man, and they have a traditional Indian wedding in India so her family can attend, and a traditional American/Christian/Jewish/etc wedding here. Or even both types of ceremonies in one location on the same weekend or same day. Indian weddings usually last 3 days anyway, so if they wish to have two ceremonies to celebrate both cultures, I say more power to ‘em.

    PS… I agree with blunt. I knew a military couple who married earlier than they wanted to because they found out that she would not be stationed where he was, even though they thought she would be and were told she would be. Orders changed at the last minute, so it was either get married quick or be separated for 2 years. There was no time to plan a wedding. I don’t think it’s fair to punish people who love each other and are in that situation by saying, “Nope, you can’t have a wedding!” They had a small backyard ceremony the following year with about 50 people, when they were both able to get enough leave at the same time.

14. lynn Says:
    4 de March, 2011 at 9:43 am

    A “do-over” wedding is not the same thing as a vow renewal. I do not think you should have a “do-over” at all. A vow renewal is great though. You get the chance to reaffirm your love for one another. A JOP ceremony and a big bash reception later is perfectly acceptable on any terms because you are not “doing over” the wedding, just celebrating with friends after the fact.

15. Garnet Glitter's No BS Zone Says:
    4 de March, 2011 at 10:06 am

    Military service is the only legit reason I can think of….perhaps if a close family member is so ill the couple throw together a fast wedding so that person can be there (if this person is terminally ill)

    But just because they regret not waiting and saving? Nope, not a good enough reason for a pretend do-over.

16. I'm Awesome is TTC #2! Says:
    4 de March, 2011 at 10:41 am

    only if its a 25 year, or 50 year anniversary vow renewal.

    otherwise i think its totally tacky. so what if you had a bad day? get over it! not everyone has a “perfect” wedding.

    i dont even think military is an exception. they should wait until the one in the service gets back from serving.

17. Butterfly Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Says:
    4 de March, 2011 at 11:04 am

    Honestly I hate it when people feel they need to give a negative answer because it’s really none of their business and they’re only raining on the persons parade.

    We’re doing a 2nd ceremony because we were married in his country by their religious laws and there were no exchange of vows and none of my family or friends. We did it there because we thought it would get him his visa faster. I want to exchange Christian vows, I want a wedding with my family and friends in attendance and I want some professional photos.

    It really doesn’t matter to me what anyone else thinks about it because it’s our decision and our money. At first I thought my mom would be against it because she’s very frugal, but she and my sister have been our biggest supporters.

    I think those that are against it would change their minds pretty quick if they were put in the situation those of us are in who are choosing to do it.

    What I find I guess you would say ironic is that those who oppose this don’t seem to have anything against brides doing a destination wedding where they expect their guests to spend enormous amounts of money to fly to a different country and pay all the expenses that incurs and then get pissed if their guests don’t want to and come up with an excuse they they’re “giving them a vacation”.

18. Kelly Says:
    4 de March, 2011 at 11:58 am

    Vow renewals I think should be done only after 10 years or more.

    Vow renewals should be kept simple, I don’t mind the bridesmaids, flowers, etc but I don’t think the couple should expect a lot of gifts, do registries, bridal showers (I’m okay with bachelor/bachelorette parties done tastefully) but still think the do-over shouldn’t be formal. (no 5 foot train, or requiring guests to wear a black tie type thing)

    I’m not even for it in the sake of military, you still have a choice there. Eventually they return from deployment and a wedding can be planned while the other is in deployment. If they love you enough to run to JOP right away, they should love you when they return when you can have a proper wedding.

    I’m really against it, when they state over and over this is what they wanted (JOP ceremony) and then feel like they were cheated out of the “big wedding”. A big wedding doesn’t have to be expensive to be nice.

    The only time I see the do-over as acceptable is for some very rare unforeseen problem, like one of them was diagnosed with cancer or some other serious illness, had a very bad accident, etc and bounced back!

    A definate no is for people who didn’t want to take the time to wait or save money.

19. opinionated Says:
    4 de March, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    sorry,i do not see any reason at all.
    me,i got married .

    why would i want to do it again,,nope,i don’t see it.
    a JP wedding is just as legal. i would feel like an idiot doing it over again for a show.
    i’m sure more guys that girls feel this way.

    wedding (wdng) KEY

    NOUN:

    wedding,per dictionary.
    The act of marrying

    marriage
    the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc.

    let the flames begin.

20. Fuzzballmeow Says:
    4 de March, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    I WILL say, I don’t think people should just re-do a wedding because they want to. I think one WEDDING is all you get, but going to a JOP is a MARRIAGE, NOT A WEDDING!

    This is exactly my situation. When we were engaged, we were planning a wedding for more than a year away. However, after a month we found out if we weren’t married before my husband’s deployment, I would not be able to go with him to his base after. So we had a quick JOP ceremony before going into work one day, and he left a month or so later for his deployment.
    We still have our wedding date that we picked, booked. We are doing everything as if it were an original wedding, except we are calling it a “Wedding Celebration.” It’s a chance for us to get our families together, and we are both the first to get married out of our siblings, so both sets of parents and grandparents really want this to happen.
    We also want to have real wedding photos for our kids. I want to have a dress to show to my daughter (if I have one) someday. We both always wanted a big wedding, why should we have to give that dream up?

    It’s also not just about the legality of it, it’s about the religious aspects too. It’s about pledging ourselves in front of God and our family. We squared God away the first time, now it’s time for our families. We are just calling the ceremony a vow renewal.

    As far as presents, we did not get any when we did our JOP wedding, so we are telling people “IF you want to give us a gift… etc.” So they have the option. But honestly, we didn’t get any before, and we are paying $ 56 per person for everything, so they really SHOULD bring gifts.
    My standpoint is that if they think we are silly, and don’t want to bring a gift, they shouldn’t come because we don’t need people who are skeptical around us mooching on free food and whispering behind our backs. We really don’t think anyone will do this, we’ve had great responses from everyone so far.

    Other people can judge all they want, but you know what? It’s because 1)They are not married, 2) They are in a bad marriage 3) They had a dream wedding and would never consider that sometimes other people aren’t so lucky, or 4) They had a terrible wedding and cant afford or are too embarrassed to re-do it.

    We give up a lot to serve this country, it’s sad that people don’t understand that. Luckily, I really don’t care what random people on the internet think of me!

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