Q&A: Alternatives to pay-your-meal wedding “reception” in light of pending baby?
Question by gummi_bear2008: Alternatives to pay-your-meal wedding “reception” in light of pending baby?
Facts: We’re expecting! Large family, doesn’t know. Bumped up wedding date. Tight budget & time-frame. Forgoing engagement ring & honeymoon but not church ceremony; city hall not an option. Cut guest list. Can’t agree on memorable & cost-effective destination wedding + family will complain & expect reception anyway. Can’t use someone’s house, can’t borrow money, too hot for park BBQ here. We’re 28 & 31.
Current best idea = invite ppl to church ceremony & arrange restaurant dinner but ppl pay for meal in lieu of gifts. We provide cake & contribute what we can to final dinner bill. We’re asian – guests normally give money (gifts are tacky – total opposite of American stds).
Australian friend votes fine – youngest sister votes horrible. Don’t want to be tacky, but stressed about money & planning – bad for baby. Re: buffet / hor d’ouerve reception in church – I hate buffets, it increases costs & family will complain anyway.
Feedback/other alternatives? Doesn’t feel like ‘my’ day. 
Thanks for positive feedback. We were considering postponing the reception in a year and the just-us post-ceremony dinner idea turned into a possible reception replacement. Just for the record, the church ceremony & bumping up our date are things I want – for me and hubby and baby – not for my family (their religion is commercialism). Food & reception details, decoration colors/styles, location, # of wedding gowns (yes multiple, its stupid), etc. are mostly family commentary.
No thanks for negative feedback/criticism. Not trying to ‘kid’ anyone – we’re old enough to be past that and have given careful thought to this. My parents had 4 kids before getting married after all. We’ll announce when the 1st trimester/miscarriage risk has passed. Pls refrain from answering if you’re going to be critical about what I can’t change. I get enough of it from my family & didn’t post to get it from strangers.
Really appreciate the positive ideas guys!
Liz is right, ppl will complain regardless. EM’s right, our vows are what’s impt. Laura, I don’t feel comfortable taking the chance that the gift money falls short of covering the reception cost – only b/c of the baby. We can provide catered food @cost, but we’ve run into a wall locating a venue at this late date which permits outside catering & is inexpensive to rent & decorate. Our church is booked the 1 wkend ppl are all free. Guest list is *just* family and closest friends. We either change our date (& upset ppl) or change venues – other churches are booked, secular inside venues are expensive or unavail, outside venues ok for early morning quick ceremony only. Weekday idea nixed by family.
Nope, parents aren’t helping. I don’t care about gifts – already told sisters no gifts at bridal shower. Per EM, big reception show is for them. I care about baby, hubby, vows, budget/future, & minimizing stress & family drama as much as possible. & getting at least 1 good wedding photo!
I’m NOT HIDING ANYTHING – my family can do the math. A LOT of people DON’T announce pregnancy until past the 1st trimester. And I’m not going to sit and justify why I want to marry beforehand – I’m SICK of this question – simply that I have reasons that people need to accept as valid and right for ME and for US.
If it comes down to it, I’d rather have a private ceremony w/just me and hubby and skip all the stupid wedding planning commercial drama. Eloping / destination weddings are highly appealing, and something we’re keeping in mind. But I’m trying to explore all my options; I know it would hurt my family’s feelings doing this. The party’s for them, not for us or for the baby – the ceremony and the vows are for us and the baby.
So much needless stress over trying to be a princess for a day, I don’t understand it at ALL!!!!!
Best answer:
Answer by Liz
Are you sure you’re the one getting married? It sounds like everything is tailored to suit certain entitlement-minded morons in your family, not you and your future spouse. Do NOT ask your guests to pay for their meals. Instead, have a modest reception that is within your means. Those family members who will complain can send their regrets and stay away. And let’s face it, they’re probably the type that would find something to whinge about no matter how much you bent over backwards to accommodate them. So screw them I say, and have the wedding that you want and that is the least stressful for you.
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20 de April, 2011 at 10:07 am
people might wonder why they have to pay unless you tell them about the soon the baby.. then they might understand.
ok, family might complain BUT it is your wedding and you should do what you want.
How about just a small wedding that you can go all out on, small tho but nice and the way you want it
Then after the baby is born have a reception then when you can afford it.? no one say you have to have both at the same time..
20 de April, 2011 at 10:49 am
i agree with Liz
since your getting money for your wedding gift just pay for the meal with the money
20 de April, 2011 at 11:05 am
Hey it’s ok…. it’s your day whether you have money or not.
Your current best idea is good actually… just have to put it in nice words on your invitation with a very very very very short explanation (like We’re Expecting) as to why.
I’m sure it’ll be wonderful wedding. Best Wishes!
20 de April, 2011 at 11:31 am
well wait til after you have had the baby and are more finacially secure. your not kidding anyone by trying to be married before having the baby…you should have waited being for falling pregnant..doesnt sound like you can afford anything really.
20 de April, 2011 at 12:26 pm
You need to speak with one or two of your closest family member to have them help you with these decisions. I, personally, have never been to a reception that I was expected to pay for myself. I find it tacky to have an open bar that you expect your guest to pay for their own drinks.
20 de April, 2011 at 1:22 pm
no i would do that.. if i were you, i would just have a ‘cake and punch reception’ after the ceremony. that way you are only paying for a cake and punch and not paying for any dinner.
20 de April, 2011 at 2:03 pm
Do the church ceremony and have the reception at a small but stylish restaurant that you can afford. Ask for a set menu that way you can plan for how much it will cost. Aren’t your parents going to chip in get them to pay for dress and the extras and you pay for food,drink,gifts and church.
If that doesn’t work try Vegas,its simple and you wont have to bend over backwards. Don’t try to please the world please yourself!!!
20 de April, 2011 at 2:17 pm
First of all it is never the brides day, think of a wedding a show mostly for the parents and extended family.
Secondly the MOST important thing is that the wedding is a celebration that you are vowing to someone to love them for the rest of your life.
Therefore what is important to you. The church ceremony is, and then you would like a small celebration. What are you going to be comfortable with the restaurant thing is OK, in Australia hor d’ouerves and drinks is becoming very popular. Instead of the sit down meal and all that goes with it. I have never been to a wedding that was not been complained about, it is as if it is apart the ritual.
Good luck and please yourself. I would have eloped if I could have.
20 de April, 2011 at 2:52 pm
What about having a wedding in the morning, and having a brunch reception? Breakfast/ brunch fare is usually much less expensive. Or, have everyone bring their favorite dish, and a story attached to it. Read the best stories aloud, and have the guests vote on the best dish. Winners get the “Bride and Groom Lifetime Appreciation Award” and a funny/thoughtful gift that goes along with it (you can supply the cake and drinks). Last thought, rally your friends and family. Explain the situation, and ask for suggestions. When you involve people in your cause, they often like that they are being included and come up with some pretty good ideas.
20 de April, 2011 at 3:18 pm
I say just have a cake and punch reception at the church afterward. I think even in lue of gifts asking guests to pay for their own meal is tacky. Not to mention then you can have your monetary gifts to use for your new baby since you are already budgeting a cake anyway.
20 de April, 2011 at 3:57 pm
have the wedding and just do a short 1 hour reception after at the church hall or something with just some snacks drinks and your cake. Plan a party later on to celelbrate once things settle a bit
i dont disagree with asking for them to pay in leiu of gifts but some people are not as open minded and may find it rude. You cna always ask close friends and family and if they agree go with that idea.
or see if you can have it at a coffee shop near you. Provide coffee and drinks for everyone and bring your cake.
It doenst matter how you do it but that you enjoy yourself on your big day, there is always a way to do it!
20 de April, 2011 at 4:55 pm
we had originally thought to do the same with ours as we have children and had just bought a home etc etc, but then mum said she will pay for all the food which helped incredibly,
i have seen this done before when a friend was invited to a wedding in Brisbane, and when they RSVP they just sent money for dinner as well it didn’t look tacky, if people want to spend time with you for your first dinner as husband and wife they should be happy to no matter how you choose to go about it.
congratulations and best of luck with wedding and baby
20 de April, 2011 at 5:21 pm
Congrats on the Baby and the Wedding!
Those are two huge things at once, but good things! I was just thinking this, do you have a relative or close friend that has a large house, or perhaps even your own? You could have an itialian place cater in some food and decorate the entire house for the reception. (pick a place like fazoli’s or something, super good deal/cheap, switch out the containers of where it came from and no one will ever even know the difference. The only problem with the resturant idea (as we are having a dest. wedding and toyed with the idea ourselves) is if you are looking to still have a first dance, etc, there really is no where to do that in a restaurant! You could also if the reception was at someone house make most of the food yourself ( put your bridesmaids to work!) And do something relativly low budget. Decorating wise you can find SUPER good deals for weddings stuff at party supply stores, oriental trading.com, and the dollar store, just because it doesn’t cost a fortune doesn’t mean it won’t look good! The prbm I forsee with putting it off a year is that you will have a little new born running around, baby shower and everything, and it might be diffcult to squeeze in a meaningful reception. You can also google rental companies and do something in someone’s backyard, outdoor stuff is always gorgeous and rent a low budget tent, have the cermeony close to the evening so that during the reception it will cool down and still have a cheap caterer or provide the food yourselves. Usually, depending on where you are you can rent a tent and some tables and chairs (Esp. since you cut the guest list) for a relativly good deal! Plus if they bring money it should help cover the cost. Good luck! & Congrats on both again!
P.S. You can also cut the cost of the DJ by preparing a CD or Ipod play list ahead of time an dhave that go as background music during dinner and then for your first dances etc, so you don’t miss out on that, if that is something you do/want!
20 de April, 2011 at 5:27 pm
I say get married intimately at church with mediate family and close friends…have a reception and a bigger ceremony (like renewing vows) when you have money to spend on a wedding that you obviously cant have right now.
You don’t have to be married to have a baby…do whats right for your family now and wait to have a party later.
never never invite people to a reception that they have to pay for themselves…it is more tacky than excepting thoughtful gifts from your guest. If you want gifts…why not just wait to have a baby shower or red egg party if your Chinese.
20 de April, 2011 at 6:10 pm
since it is so hot…how about a cake and ice cream sundae reception at the church after the ceremony
the pay for you own meal is not a good idea
20 de April, 2011 at 7:00 pm
I think asking guests to pay for their meal at a reception is tacky. I would do the church hall or a local VFW, American Legion…whatever with a buffet or finger food. You can pre-make the food pretty cheap.
20 de April, 2011 at 7:58 pm
It really is not right toask people to pay, it is not a party anymore if you do that.
Try some more cut back ideas, do you have to have booze? You’re prego, you can’t drink it! the church public rooms are a good choice. Sometimes clubs rent out their public rooms cheaper than a banquet hall, and one here is free if a member belongs to the club.
If you are not considering buffet, perhaps you should wait to have your party. I don’t understand your perception about how a buffet is more expensive, but ok, if that is your perception.
And the family will complain? It is a party, it is free, what is there to complain about?
and you are pregnant, and already saying the baby does not need the stress. I’d wait.
20 de April, 2011 at 8:53 pm
Wait until after the baby. Why are you rushing? You’re 28 and 31. There is no reason to be hiding the fact you are expecting. It’s not like your 18 and 21. Come On!!!
Wait until the baby is at least 1 year old to have the wedding. You’ll be able to enjoy it more (you won’t be preggo), your child will be able to participate and you’ll have time to save more money.
I say wait. That’s your only option. But, please “pay your own” deal. That is tacky.
20 de April, 2011 at 9:16 pm
Have a very simple reception at the church with cake and punch and coffee and be done with it. Have it occur around 3 p.m. and nobody will expect a meal.
Then, while you’re thanking everyone for coming, you can let everyone know that you’re going to go from here to XYZ restaurant for a bite to eat, and that everyone is welcome to join you if they so desire. This lets them know that you aren’t hosting the meal – they would pay their own way – and still allows you to have social time.
Receptions needn’t get out of hand. Good luck!
20 de April, 2011 at 9:16 pm
I am also Australian and I vote ‘fine’. I had a bloke at work who did this for his wedding. It was only $ 15 for a nice buffet meal and no one minded paying. Most people still gave gifts as well. I don’t know why it is such a big problem to do this? People expect too much these days – it’s like they get insulted because you don’t invite them, the get insulted if you invite them and it’s not ‘good enough’, they get insulted if you ask them to pay? As long as you aren’t asking them to pay too much (try and keep it as cheap as possible) then I don’t see why it is a problem. I would be quite happy to pay my way – I think it is a nice sentiment that the couple would want to share their special day with the guests… go ahead and if anyone gets insulted then it’s their own silly problem – and they don’t have to go.